Sleep Petting

I wake up late and hear that the baby has been complaining to get up for a while and she sounds pretty upset. I barely open my eyes as I stumble out of bed but I notice the husband is on the other end of the bed petting the cat!
"How could you just listen to her cry, that is so mean!" I say as I leave the room and the Husband gives no reply.

When baby and I return from the nursery, the Husband is laying back down on his pillow fast asleep. When he finally awakes from the dead I inquire why he didn't go to the baby when he heard her crying. He was dumbfounded. He had no recollection of her crying. "But you were at the end of the bed petting the cat?" I say confused. Just as confused he replies "I was?"

Conclusion: Husband likes petting the cat in his sleep, but not changing diapers.

Commercials and Flys

Sleeping Husband: You haven't been bombarded with commercials for the last hour?

Awake Wife: No, have you?

Sleeping Husband: I've got a substitute.

Awake Wife: Substitute?

Sleeping Husband: Fly on my face.

Candy

"Look at all that candy she has!" Sleeping Husband exclaimed.

I laughed so hard I woke him up.

Want to hear something?

Sleeping Husband woke me up and said excitedly:
"Hey Mom, want to hear something? I found that the grape packs squish a lot more. They squish more than the others!"

Christmas Tree in April

"Putting the Christmas tree where Ryan puts it in the corner of the office, where everyone can see it in Times Square."