Like a Man

I get in bed after helping NK with a nightmare about a friend stealing one of her toys (traumatic, I know). And when I hop in bed husband makes a horrible loud sound "kkkkkrrrrrrrr" pause "kkkkkrrrrrrrr" like the grinding sound of a car not starting. Startled and kind of terrified I scream, "What are you doing?" He confidently replies "You are going to go get some food for our machine, like a man."  "What machine?" I inquire. "The slot machine."

Musically Inclined

"Why do you keep bouncing your leg up and down?" I ask sleeping husband.
His response: "To keep rhythm."

Behind the Madness
He did fall asleep watching a How I Met Your Mother episode that contained a marching band.

I woke up tonight to an earthquake. I threw back the covers and sat straight up.  Years ago I use to live in Central America and I hadn't felt that thrilling and terrifying feeling since then.  I got out of bed and searched the interwebs and twitter, but alas found nothing.  No other fellow human was reporting of an earthquake in Tennessee (they are rare in these parts).
SO, there is only one logical explanation... and he lays happily and innocently sleeping in my bed.

Toddler Trouble

I wake up and I hear a very stern very loud:
"No ma'am!"
With his back still turned toward me and still sound asleep he asks me, "Did you see that?"
"What she do?" I pried (knowing by the tone of his voice he was dreaming about our toddler).
"She just threw my camera." A second passes. "Mutter.. it's somewhere around here."

Neighbors

Sleeping husband starts laughing and muttering.
"What?" I pry.
"Just a bunch of neighbors" he says with a smile.
"Where?"
"Standing around."
"What are they doing?"
Mutter, mutter... "deadbolts."

Behind the Madness
He has been reading about bump-keys. I hope he's not planning on using them on the neighbors deadbolts!

Too Many Flowers

I climb into bed after a middle of the night feeding:

"Oh no!" the sleeping husband cries.
"What?" I say.
He mumbles something unintelligible, so I ask again.
"That was a lotttttttt of flowers. I don't know what they're doing!" he says with a surprising amount of sass.  He then proceeds to fervently start drumming his fingers on his chest.

Climbing Fundraiser

Husband is asleep on the couch and the 2 year old keeps climbing all over him...
"Do you have any ideas for the climbing fundraiser for charity?  Charge people at the door?  That's a good idea, what is your goal target to raise?"

Crater Shader

SH-Look at that crater shader
Me-What????
SH-It's a cereal box toy.

I do wish my cereal boxes still came with toys in them.

Love That

Sleeping Husband set up suddenly and sat on the edge of the bed. He lifted his arm out towards the right, pointed at nothing and said enthusiastically "love that!"

Behind the madness: He just got a new car stereo off ebay this week and loves it. The direction he pointed was exactly as if he was adjusting the volume on a car stereo.... hmmm.... dreaming of electronics again perhaps?

Happy Meals

I tried to wake husband up and he begins muttering:

-I sent out my own super.... mutter mutter..

-Your own what?

-Happy Meals. ...mutter... mutter...

-I want a happy meal!

-Happy meals weren't mentioned.

-Yes they were. You said you sent out your own happy meals.

-It was a metaphor for making myself happy

.

Sleep Petting

I wake up late and hear that the baby has been complaining to get up for a while and she sounds pretty upset. I barely open my eyes as I stumble out of bed but I notice the husband is on the other end of the bed petting the cat!
"How could you just listen to her cry, that is so mean!" I say as I leave the room and the Husband gives no reply.

When baby and I return from the nursery, the Husband is laying back down on his pillow fast asleep. When he finally awakes from the dead I inquire why he didn't go to the baby when he heard her crying. He was dumbfounded. He had no recollection of her crying. "But you were at the end of the bed petting the cat?" I say confused. Just as confused he replies "I was?"

Conclusion: Husband likes petting the cat in his sleep, but not changing diapers.

Commercials and Flys

Sleeping Husband: You haven't been bombarded with commercials for the last hour?

Awake Wife: No, have you?

Sleeping Husband: I've got a substitute.

Awake Wife: Substitute?

Sleeping Husband: Fly on my face.

Want to hear something?

Sleeping Husband woke me up and said excitedly:
"Hey Mom, want to hear something? I found that the grape packs squish a lot more. They squish more than the others!"

Fan

I kiss my sleeping husband and he says:
-Where should I go?
-For what?
-A fan...
-A fan? What do you need a fan for?
-A check up...
-What?
-A dentist check up.

Son

"I know what to look for!" Sleeping Husband says defiantly.
"What?"
"A cow trap for my son."
"What? You don't even have a son. Do you???"
With a sigh of disappointment he responds, "no."

Manufacturing

Send it.
Send the product to manufacturing!

Inventory

Eight in the morning. Leave Husband asleep in bed and I go get the baby and discover dirty diaper, dirty outfit, dirty sheets. I begin to clean her up and I repeatedly call for husband to come help. I hear him respond a few times, but he never shows up. I finally call out one last time:
-What ARE you doing?
And Sleeping Husband shouts back:
-Looking at T-shirt inventory.

Basement

-Did you see that basement?
-What basement?
-With Conan O'Brien.

50%

Found husband muttering about percentages last night.

Colleen

Sleeping husband randomly says:
-She looks like Colleen.

(We like to watch 30 Rock, so I can only assume he was referring to Colleen Donaghy)